2014

self portrait // via

I always have such great plans, both for photography and for this little blog of mine. They seem to fall by the wayside too often though.

The truth is, sometimes I let my camera just sit on my desk for weeks without picking it up. When I look at it my mind floods with ideas of things I could photograph. So often I lack the follow through on those ideas.

The person I would like to have as my model is probably busy and wouldn't want to be photographed anyway. It would take a few hours to get to that location and it probably isn't as wonderful as I imagine it to be. The weather never cooperates with me, so why even try? I'll have more time when I graduate.

These are the things I tell myself.

It wouldn't work. It's too far. It's too cold. I'm too busy.

But when I tell myself these things are they really what I mean? Or am I really saying I'm not good enough?

That's ridiculous though. I shouldn't be comparing myself to other photographers, we're all in different places. Photography is an art that I'm learning more and more about. I've improved so much since the beginning and I'm still growing. I have been blessed with so much support, more than I imagined I would have. People tell me all the time that I have a special gift and that I need to keep doing what I'm doing. And that feeling I get when a client tells me they love the photos I captured for them? That's one of the best feeling ever.

So why do I tear myself down even while others are continually building me up?

I love photographing for clients, it fills me with a joy that I only feel when I have a camera in my hands. But that same joy is only magnified when I take personal photos. Because when I pick up my camera for myself I don't need to please anyone else, I can take photos simply for the joy of taking photos. The joy I find in photography is truly a gift from God and I praise Him for it daily.

But if I love photography so much, why don't I take more photos? If I love pleasing clients, why don't I work harder to get more? If I want to learn and grow, why don't a take more time to practice?

I guess what it comes down to is that it's scary to take leaps of faith. It's hard to do something new or something different. In the end I'll either learn from my mistakes or be crazy happy with the results.

Just before Christmas I completed a small personal project. I took photos of my siblings and framed them as a gift for my mom. I found joy in the time I spent on that. I grew as a photographer by just going out and taking photos with no expectations.

I'm learning that the times I start to tear myself down are the times when I most need to pick up my camera and rediscover why it is I'm doing this.

My challenge for myself in 2014 is to stop doubting and start doing.

There are sticky notes covered with numerous project ideas scattered in my room. Projects that I'd love to make realities. And this year I will. I know I can.